*dang*

How?!

Sigh!

i am missing something miserably much!

it's going to be third year!

i think my heart is not weak at all. Having heart throbbing and tears shedding moments for so many times yet i still give in and lend my hands out.

How many times i should be cut by your knife?

Ps: im just exaggerating. writer here is a healthy person who is scared of bleeding. and a Christian. Dont worry.

im a sinner (draft)

Why is it so hard and ridiculous?

we are asked to honor our parents. yes. i follow and agree with this since i was born. i always try hard not to raise any argument with my parents for the sake of the family and be as obedient as i can. And yeah, this action and thought are fine enough to lead me to a good life ( they are providing me most of the necessities in life ), shaping my image as a good daughter as well.

But, i never thought that this has become my biggest problem and fell in to the sin of duality.

On the first day of trusting Jesus, i am no longer a good daughter to them and they are now seeing me as a rebellious kid. It's all because of i started not to follow the rules of taoism, refusing to worship my dad's 'god'. Just because of this, THIS!!! i am being called a disobedient girl. Arguments are everywhere when i seek for permission to go to learn more about God. As i know that they dont really like me to go to church, last time i even started lying to them saying that i am in school to study. How ridiculous. How selfish and sinful. We are asked to do things that glorify our God. Since they dont even know that i am going to His church, what is it good for this lie? i fell into a sin called individualism. But if i dont do so, what should i do then? bla, but current situation is better than before because i am permitted to go to church twice per month. i refrain myself from lying. No lie is good. You will pay out your trust from them to you. i certainly dislike it.

I really hate my current situation. but i will keep trusting God that He has a plan on me, edifying me, sanctifying me in His way. Please God, please dont stop guiding me through this obstacle. Even when i am weak and start falling, i myself am wicked, please God, rebuke me, so that i can grow in the wisdom of Yours. i praise out loud of your great name and your purpose. Let your kingdom come as soon as possible although i might fail your judgement. But God, we are asked to be God centered, let the will of yours be done but not mine. we are just nothing compared to you. So God, whatever it is, please, i am blameless and obey your order. Dear God, please help and stop me from sinning and follow human's wisdom because i hate them.

Partner

Ever thought of finding a partner is really serious matter? Due to my background, i had been aware of this is not just a lovey dovey matter between you and him/she, or romantic feelings towards your so called soulmate, 'without you i cant live' theory, ' you jump i jump ' theory, etc. To me, it is something which is going to bring tonne of problems into your life. D: Trying to imagine two persons from different planet are trying to live together. Moreover, God created woman and man in different ways, proportions of each hormones in male and female are different, God gave different tasks and gift to male and female.. wow! Huge chunk of problems! Not only that, people, parents are still alive, i am unsure about how a relationship can still be continued if his parents dont think that im good enough for his son. What if he is willing to fight with his parents for you, err.. do you feel fine or good when you see such thing happens on your beloved with his family? Definitly Not! How would you feel great when you see yourself is a troublemaker to your love one?! Whenever i have a slight thought of 'lets get into a relationship!' , i feel greatly depressed and fear. (well, it's a sinful thought, i m still working hard on it, trying to get rid of my selfish thought, selfish in the way that im thinking myself too weak to handle it, so i dont want to have partner, neglecting the fact that partnership also involves another person to help me to make it works ) It isnt because of i dislike guys or what, but since i feel myself cant even deal with relationships with parents peaceful enough, and God ultimately, at this current time, this is really not an appropriate time to drag myself into another problem. Another funny comment that i received from friends : '' you dont dare to find a partner, is it because you are scared of sex in the future? you find sex is dirty? '' ... to be honest, in the past yes, i was scared of giving out myself to male, but err.. really, nah, sex to me isnt a reason for me not to think about marriage. Main reason is i am afraid that i have no time to commit myself into one more new relationship -larr.. UNLESS, :( that guy doesnt mind it at all? lol. aih.


Since last year onwards, some of my friends fell in love with non - believer. and some even started dating._. sigh. dont feel offended. i just dont get it why. As you always say that you love God, and we must always put our mighty God in the first place, why you still want to date with non believer? i understand that we are wicked men and sometimes we just cant help it to control our feelings, but why do you act it out, started to date? Importantly, you are a serious person and always see your dating partner would be the one you marry with. Do you forget the fact that our body is owned by God? And our flesh is part of the body of Christ! Marriage is the union between you and your partner, and both of you are connected to each other after marriage. Marriage is the formal covenant in front of God. So when you are united to a non-believer, isnt that you are trying to connect a non-God's people with Christ's body? Although he/she is nice, kindhearted, but as she/he is a non Christian, meaning he/she is not godly, isnt it that he/she .. sorry to say that, he/she has no different with prostitute in front of God's sight? Our God hates unjustice, as he/she is not justice in His's eyes, are you trying to make God angry????  :( i feel sad whenever i heard their matters. Is this showing that you love yourself more than God already? :( i love my brothers and sisters - in - Christ... whyyyyy???

Perhaps you would say that we cant predict our future, who knows that he/she can be converted? And so i have a doubt again. Then who you are? How do you know that you can change him/her? Everything is controlled and planned by God, everything is worked by Him but not by our efforts, without His will or His Grace, nothing will work. Perhaps you have a good intention when you started to date with him/her- evangelism. But wait, partnership is not only about evangelism right? if you really want to share the gospel, wont your interest has been divided? you might focus on him/her growth besides the others.

i dont wish to see any friends of me get trapped in this matter again. aiyoo..sorry to hear that, really, and i cant congratulate you although you have found your so called 'soulmate' . Instead, i was really sad to hear about it.


Be God-centered, my brothers and sisters in Christ. We Love our God More than anything else.



Ps: if you feel that im not understanding and i might be the same as you guys if this happens on me, nah, the truth is that i ever had crush with non-christian. He is nice, smart, leader-liked, etc, sometimes i even felt that he is really suitable for me, but i never dare to put any hope on him after i knew Christ, trying hard and working hard to be God centered. And i thank God that i worked it through, but still keep working on to avoid myself from sinning, praying for strength and provision from God. phewww.. aih.. hard wei..uwah..

:) add oil Carmen. hah...

Recurrence

Nah, it is not about the feeling towards the guy i love though. It's about the recurrence of a thought which i planned to carry out since i was a teenager. (i know right, my look is like a 15 year old girl, but the truth is i am turning 21 soon)

These few days were gloomy.

i was scared.

i never felt that way so strong again.

The more i grew, more thoughts that i imagined or dreamed of happened in my life right now, or becoming more and more realistic. They became something that i can achieve in the future.

Both bad and good ones.

i have been trying to throw away my previous self. But it seems like, they try to stick back to me again.

i am scared and confused with what i want right now.

i had been crying at night till morning. That's the only period that i can hide away my tears silently without my mother knows about it. i am unsure if my brother heard to my cry or not.

i..

started to lose my faith and belief towards males again.

i..

started not to believe in marriage.

i..

have a thought of being a sister or nun in the future once again.

Attachment and love are scary.

i am afraid of loving.

No one i can trust now until i started to imagine out my 'imaginary friend' to accompany me.

People believe that God is the representative of love.

But us the sinners, broke and cut the perfect relationship between us and the Holy God, until we no longer understand Him. And now, i dont understand love, like how i dont understand my God.




today was a gloomy day, and i cry.

Changes

November is arriving soon, this indicates that year 2011 is coming to an end. This year is definitely a long period when there's lot of changes happening on me or on other people. Those matters are uncountable by just pointing out your ten fingers. Up and down all the time and the storm is like never ended. Conflicts, confusions, dilemma.. oheemmgeee... just too much of negative things!!! i felt awful as when i saw my efforts used to settle those messy wires were just helpless in my situation. But when i planned to voice out and complain about them, yelling out loud, there's something invisible stucked my mouth for sure, reason: i clearly know that complaints will bring more troubles and my life is not as worst as those people who live in true dilemmas right?? :/

And so, sooner, my temper became bad. As i didnt not find the dustbin for myself.

Anyway. That's all for now, need to off and continue to do my revision :) :) :)

Where is it?

I was just questioned by my mother. '' have you ever cared about your brother?''

It was a dead silence after this. Because I am not sure.

It sounds ridiculous. But deep into my heart, at that moment I could not find a firm base to give an exact answer. If I care about him, then why do I seldom ask about his stuff? Well, I reasoned it that most probably it is because of my mother, since she always informs me immediately for every matter, I have gained a habit of not asking. If I do not care about him, why am I worried of him sometimes?

This kind of situation just made me felt that I am a cold hearted being.

“　可我还在暖这你的心。”
"可惜它被你给暖烫了。”

lousy!

Sometimes, i am shocked by my own blurriness. Without a double check and clarification on a matter, making myself in dilemma and depression, funnily at the end when the mist was cleared by giving a second glance on it again, the truth was not as bad as what i thought in the early time. Aih!!! so what's that for to me sighing silently while thinking about it everytime?

Anywhere, at least that mistake pull me forward for improvement. It's just the first obstacle of whole journey, i do not dare to think that i am still within the safe range if nothing is done by now.

ps: it's about academic writing's grade.  -siao- myself! LOL

miracle

When the night feels very long, remember that a new day is just around the bend. With each day we are given new hope, new possibilities, new opportunities. Each day is a miracle. 

We will have more dances than stunt! i wanna have a flexible, Not- A- Noob body language! Maybe i shall go and seek for advice from friends, those who like dancing. How to look confident in my every move and step? hmm..and i hesitated again while doing the stunts. Anywhere, i strongly believe that practices make everything perfect.

Sigh.. it's no good at all. i often fall asleep during the lessons even though i have finished a whole bar of mentos. i had slept for at least 5 hours for yesterday night. i hope that it does improve my concentration. Thanks to friends for concerning about my health lately :)

 

 

Hard to reject

i must be blinded.

i agreed to perform on 14th February. But, it's so hard to reject when they are willing to make adjustments on the practice days just for me. Especially Jessica, gosh! i just could not reject her approach every time. AHHHHH~

Now, regretfulness rushed into my head after hearing that the performance will have more dances but less stunts. i AM REALLY NO GOOD in DANCING! Moreover due to the performance date was dropped on valentine's day, there might be couple dance in our routine. i wanna cry silently. ( .......................... )

i am flexible but it does not mean that i am good in dancing, i can do taeguek but it does not mean that i am good in memorizing the dance steps and following up the beats.

sigh! i don't want to be the obstacle of successful performance! Inti's one was a dark mark to me. Therefore, .......... i try my best since they have so much confidence that i am able to do that. (............................... )

But let's pray that i don't have to do that twist cradler.

ps: it's quite weird to watch cheerleading show on valentine's day. Who suggested it? =.=

Back to hectic life~

'' first item, checked, second stuff, checked, third one, checked, fourth...''

Rotting at home for few weeks, i started to pack my luggage again. Taking out and ironing all the formal shirts which were 'unofficially dumped ' inside my wardrobe right after the last day of school. Next week onwards, i have to travel here and there for every weekend again. It's weird, i am not really truly willing to step in the school where 's supposedly to be the place i loved the most other than home previously. It's like uni-phobia. i seriously hate this kind of awful feeling. i hope i can feel better for this coming semester. i will try my best to gain back the love loss.

Anywhere, let's see the brighter sides of this matter here. i can meet my coursemates and seniors again! They are indeed nice and friendly, i am quite looking forward to meet them back. hehe.. Secondly, two of my PreU classmates were here, too~ woohoo~ Life would not be too boring after all as the fact is the more the merrier! hahaha, and the coming July, more friends will become a part of this big family in a condition that i have not been kicked out by U, though. hehe...This condition will be remained for at least one and a half years.

Then, not to forget about my housemates :) It's so much fun to crap with them. ( this is my own opinion ) hey! By the way! is Person in the Skype often coming to hostel? haha, Jamie said she can play like Beethoven XD !!! liked!

ah, and...finally i can stop my daydream (again). The dreams appeared in my mind were bad and unproductive. Thanks to that habit, i did not have good sleep for past few weeks and trained me myself into a person who can stay up late and open my eye at ungodly hour. i promise myself to make good use of this in my studies. zzz

it's not about me

:(

i dont understand. Scolding is not the only way to correct the children right? Why are we not able to hold our anger when someone has done something imperfectly? In this world there are many types of personalities. So, we need to find out the most effective way to teach a person. For example, my brother. He does not like to be scolded. The more you scold him, more depressed he becomes. Self- denial and lost of confidence in everything he does. Improvement is not, worst it is. i tried once to talk to him in a funny way when correcting his work, he accepted  it and no complaint was made.

At least, he took the broom and helped us to sweep the floor. Although, dust could still be seen.

But why, thank you was not the word he received. He was nagged for around 15 mins. Now, he locked himself in his room.

i think if my mother says it in another way round, like this: '' thank you, my son. but you can do better, let me tell you which part you........''

i cant imagine how a guy will become when confidence is not instilled in himself anymore.

hope he is fine.