Recurrence

Nah, it is not about the feeling towards the guy i love though. It's about the recurrence of a thought which i planned to carry out since i was a teenager. (i know right, my look is like a 15 year old girl, but the truth is i am turning 21 soon)

These few days were gloomy.

i was scared.

i never felt that way so strong again.

The more i grew, more thoughts that i imagined or dreamed of happened in my life right now, or becoming more and more realistic. They became something that i can achieve in the future.

Both bad and good ones.

i have been trying to throw away my previous self. But it seems like, they try to stick back to me again.

i am scared and confused with what i want right now.

i had been crying at night till morning. That's the only period that i can hide away my tears silently without my mother knows about it. i am unsure if my brother heard to my cry or not.

i..

started to lose my faith and belief towards males again.

i..

started not to believe in marriage.

i..

have a thought of being a sister or nun in the future once again.

Attachment and love are scary.

i am afraid of loving.

No one i can trust now until i started to imagine out my 'imaginary friend' to accompany me.

People believe that God is the representative of love.

But us the sinners, broke and cut the perfect relationship between us and the Holy God, until we no longer understand Him. And now, i dont understand love, like how i dont understand my God.




today was a gloomy day, and i cry.