*dang*

How?!

Sigh!

i am missing something miserably much!

it's going to be third year!

i think my heart is not weak at all. Having heart throbbing and tears shedding moments for so many times yet i still give in and lend my hands out.

How many times i should be cut by your knife?

Ps: im just exaggerating. writer here is a healthy person who is scared of bleeding. and a Christian. Dont worry.

im a sinner (draft)

Why is it so hard and ridiculous?

we are asked to honor our parents. yes. i follow and agree with this since i was born. i always try hard not to raise any argument with my parents for the sake of the family and be as obedient as i can. And yeah, this action and thought are fine enough to lead me to a good life ( they are providing me most of the necessities in life ), shaping my image as a good daughter as well.

But, i never thought that this has become my biggest problem and fell in to the sin of duality.

On the first day of trusting Jesus, i am no longer a good daughter to them and they are now seeing me as a rebellious kid. It's all because of i started not to follow the rules of taoism, refusing to worship my dad's 'god'. Just because of this, THIS!!! i am being called a disobedient girl. Arguments are everywhere when i seek for permission to go to learn more about God. As i know that they dont really like me to go to church, last time i even started lying to them saying that i am in school to study. How ridiculous. How selfish and sinful. We are asked to do things that glorify our God. Since they dont even know that i am going to His church, what is it good for this lie? i fell into a sin called individualism. But if i dont do so, what should i do then? bla, but current situation is better than before because i am permitted to go to church twice per month. i refrain myself from lying. No lie is good. You will pay out your trust from them to you. i certainly dislike it.

I really hate my current situation. but i will keep trusting God that He has a plan on me, edifying me, sanctifying me in His way. Please God, please dont stop guiding me through this obstacle. Even when i am weak and start falling, i myself am wicked, please God, rebuke me, so that i can grow in the wisdom of Yours. i praise out loud of your great name and your purpose. Let your kingdom come as soon as possible although i might fail your judgement. But God, we are asked to be God centered, let the will of yours be done but not mine. we are just nothing compared to you. So God, whatever it is, please, i am blameless and obey your order. Dear God, please help and stop me from sinning and follow human's wisdom because i hate them.

it's a happy post yo!

i just got my results back!! and YAYYYY!! i can enjoy my holidays without worries! My seniors told me that Sem 5 is the most free semester among the eight, i am glad that i have the opportunity to enjoy it, too :3

What made me happy is that i finally found a friend who is willing to do bible study with me! :D yay~ my next step towards ministry and serve for His Church was done. i am going to listen to all the sermons of Heidelberg Catechism to improve my knowledge about Christianity.

http://www.cerc.com.my/sermons/heidelberg/

Not only that, to make sure my teaching line has its uniformity, i seriously need to be more discipline so that i can finish the book According to plan on time, i have not finished a quarter of it until now. Ampun ampun. haha. God's wisdom is seriously the coolest thing that i learned so far in my life! How great and how wonderful the privilege to be His children through Jesus Christ ! <3

it's a happy day. :) i hope that everyday i am not depressed anymore :) haha.

Great love from Jesus for me.

not a pleasant post again.

It's weird. i seldom write something that sounds happy. Instead, i blog more often when i am depressed.


Oh well, no one reads about my blog so it does not matter i think.

i think, i am tired, once again.

Is this my third time of having such recurrence?

i guess i need to put more and more efforts in it. But how much is enough? how much is more? i am tired. Please tell me the exact value.

My friends who care about me scolded that 'the one not be named' as bastard for me.

i feel like saying bad stuff about him, too. But nah, forget about it. i just cant do it. im just too nice. HAHA

My shield was broken once again. Then, i am tired to repair it.

Heart is just like naked DNA. As it can be invaded by any cDNA randomly. i dont think heat-shock is essential step for this round.

God, i am silly enough to pray for him, forgive forgive. He is still my brother-in-Christ. So, love him, Carmen. pray pray pray....

Never cease to thank you for your Grace

Because of your Grace, i am brought to life again.

i Thank you God.

Suffering for Christ is a blessing. As i am given Holy Spirit to dwell in me, i reject the things that is not for God. Problems around me also reflect to me that without God i can do nothing as i am just a mere human. Holding the rope to Christ is the only matter what i can rely on. i have lost my family in the sense that i am a source of unhappiness in my family. My mother confessed to me that this year is the saddest and most depressing year for her. In worldly says, i am a failure and worst daughter to them. Whenever i am at home, the atmosphere changes and tense up. No laughter but dead silence. The topic of the conversation is dull and talk no more about life as all of us have different goal and direction in life. To me my life i directed it to Christ, but to them is still the same, the worldly things that they always pursue for. i lost the supports from both my brother and mother. And my brother seem like dont bother about my existence at all just like my father has been doing on me right now. Mother sometimes falls into sleep with cries in silent. i hide up myself in my room and pray for peace in my family, pray hard for strength so that i wont lose my hope in Christ. i feel deeply lonely. i am scared. Ever since i was born to this world, this is the worst obstacle in my life. Family is always our greatest source of support. Home should be the most comfortable place in the world. But family and home are no longer like that for me.

i am bringing a sword and tear up the peaceful atmosphere in my family.

i made her cries and yells to me.

''WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!''

''what have the pastor done on you?! where are you?!''

i love her.

but nothing i can do besides praying to God.

nothing i can do beside crying under blanket.

i am shivering and my hands are shaking.

as i am scared for nothing i can hold on to.

i need something to hold and rely on. Something solid.

what a weakling me. crazy human.

Persevere and endure, in hope of second coming of Christ. Be joyful that i am really living in this world and be suffered for Him. i am not alone. Keep praying no matter how much more tears will shed in nights.

In Christ.

i am a liar.

i lied again. And this time might just put an end to that matter. i guess the truth will never be revealed to the protagonist of the story. Protagonist deserved to know but the narrator planned to blind him. Since the beginning of the story started with a lie, it ended with a lie as well. The truth will only be known by the narrator herself. She edited the story. The truth will be buried and no one knows when the day she leaves the world. Anyhow, the road is still long, protagonist and narrator are just mere humans, no one can foresee the future. The main Plotter of the story is neither two of them. No one can control the story except the main Plotter.



You are my stories
Unread stories
You are my stories
Unread stories

When I gazed at your eyes
I could see an unknown country

Stories with their doors opened
Stories that won't ever close again
Stories with their doors opened
Stories that won't ever close again

Destiny is unchangeable
Let's go to an unknown country

I want to protect you
Just with that wish alone
In this pitch-black world
Until the moment when light overflows

I want to protect you
Just with that wish alone
In this pitch-black world
Until the moment when light overflows

Partner

Ever thought of finding a partner is really serious matter? Due to my background, i had been aware of this is not just a lovey dovey matter between you and him/she, or romantic feelings towards your so called soulmate, 'without you i cant live' theory, ' you jump i jump ' theory, etc. To me, it is something which is going to bring tonne of problems into your life. D: Trying to imagine two persons from different planet are trying to live together. Moreover, God created woman and man in different ways, proportions of each hormones in male and female are different, God gave different tasks and gift to male and female.. wow! Huge chunk of problems! Not only that, people, parents are still alive, i am unsure about how a relationship can still be continued if his parents dont think that im good enough for his son. What if he is willing to fight with his parents for you, err.. do you feel fine or good when you see such thing happens on your beloved with his family? Definitly Not! How would you feel great when you see yourself is a troublemaker to your love one?! Whenever i have a slight thought of 'lets get into a relationship!' , i feel greatly depressed and fear. (well, it's a sinful thought, i m still working hard on it, trying to get rid of my selfish thought, selfish in the way that im thinking myself too weak to handle it, so i dont want to have partner, neglecting the fact that partnership also involves another person to help me to make it works ) It isnt because of i dislike guys or what, but since i feel myself cant even deal with relationships with parents peaceful enough, and God ultimately, at this current time, this is really not an appropriate time to drag myself into another problem. Another funny comment that i received from friends : '' you dont dare to find a partner, is it because you are scared of sex in the future? you find sex is dirty? '' ... to be honest, in the past yes, i was scared of giving out myself to male, but err.. really, nah, sex to me isnt a reason for me not to think about marriage. Main reason is i am afraid that i have no time to commit myself into one more new relationship -larr.. UNLESS, :( that guy doesnt mind it at all? lol. aih.


Since last year onwards, some of my friends fell in love with non - believer. and some even started dating._. sigh. dont feel offended. i just dont get it why. As you always say that you love God, and we must always put our mighty God in the first place, why you still want to date with non believer? i understand that we are wicked men and sometimes we just cant help it to control our feelings, but why do you act it out, started to date? Importantly, you are a serious person and always see your dating partner would be the one you marry with. Do you forget the fact that our body is owned by God? And our flesh is part of the body of Christ! Marriage is the union between you and your partner, and both of you are connected to each other after marriage. Marriage is the formal covenant in front of God. So when you are united to a non-believer, isnt that you are trying to connect a non-God's people with Christ's body? Although he/she is nice, kindhearted, but as she/he is a non Christian, meaning he/she is not godly, isnt it that he/she .. sorry to say that, he/she has no different with prostitute in front of God's sight? Our God hates unjustice, as he/she is not justice in His's eyes, are you trying to make God angry????  :( i feel sad whenever i heard their matters. Is this showing that you love yourself more than God already? :( i love my brothers and sisters - in - Christ... whyyyyy???

Perhaps you would say that we cant predict our future, who knows that he/she can be converted? And so i have a doubt again. Then who you are? How do you know that you can change him/her? Everything is controlled and planned by God, everything is worked by Him but not by our efforts, without His will or His Grace, nothing will work. Perhaps you have a good intention when you started to date with him/her- evangelism. But wait, partnership is not only about evangelism right? if you really want to share the gospel, wont your interest has been divided? you might focus on him/her growth besides the others.

i dont wish to see any friends of me get trapped in this matter again. aiyoo..sorry to hear that, really, and i cant congratulate you although you have found your so called 'soulmate' . Instead, i was really sad to hear about it.


Be God-centered, my brothers and sisters in Christ. We Love our God More than anything else.



Ps: if you feel that im not understanding and i might be the same as you guys if this happens on me, nah, the truth is that i ever had crush with non-christian. He is nice, smart, leader-liked, etc, sometimes i even felt that he is really suitable for me, but i never dare to put any hope on him after i knew Christ, trying hard and working hard to be God centered. And i thank God that i worked it through, but still keep working on to avoid myself from sinning, praying for strength and provision from God. phewww.. aih.. hard wei..uwah..

:) add oil Carmen. hah...