Because of your Grace, i am brought to life again.
i Thank you God.
Suffering for Christ is a blessing. As i am given Holy Spirit to dwell in me, i reject the things that is not for God. Problems around me also reflect to me that without God i can do nothing as i am just a mere human. Holding the rope to Christ is the only matter what i can rely on. i have lost my family in the sense that i am a source of unhappiness in my family. My mother confessed to me that this year is the saddest and most depressing year for her. In worldly says, i am a failure and worst daughter to them. Whenever i am at home, the atmosphere changes and tense up. No laughter but dead silence. The topic of the conversation is dull and talk no more about life as all of us have different goal and direction in life. To me my life i directed it to Christ, but to them is still the same, the worldly things that they always pursue for. i lost the supports from both my brother and mother. And my brother seem like dont bother about my existence at all just like my father has been doing on me right now. Mother sometimes falls into sleep with cries in silent. i hide up myself in my room and pray for peace in my family, pray hard for strength so that i wont lose my hope in Christ. i feel deeply lonely. i am scared. Ever since i was born to this world, this is the worst obstacle in my life. Family is always our greatest source of support. Home should be the most comfortable place in the world. But family and home are no longer like that for me.
i am bringing a sword and tear up the peaceful atmosphere in my family.
i made her cries and yells to me.
''WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!''
''what have the pastor done on you?! where are you?!''
i love her.
but nothing i can do besides praying to God.
nothing i can do beside crying under blanket.
i am shivering and my hands are shaking.
as i am scared for nothing i can hold on to.
i need something to hold and rely on. Something solid.
what a weakling me. crazy human.
Persevere and endure, in hope of second coming of Christ. Be joyful that i am really living in this world and be suffered for Him. i am not alone. Keep praying no matter how much more tears will shed in nights.
In Christ.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
i am a liar.
i lied again. And this time might just put an end to that matter. i guess the truth will never be revealed to the protagonist of the story. Protagonist deserved to know but the narrator planned to blind him. Since the beginning of the story started with a lie, it ended with a lie as well. The truth will only be known by the narrator herself. She edited the story. The truth will be buried and no one knows when the day she leaves the world. Anyhow, the road is still long, protagonist and narrator are just mere humans, no one can foresee the future. The main Plotter of the story is neither two of them. No one can control the story except the main Plotter.
You are my stories
Unread stories
You are my stories
Unread stories
When I gazed at your eyes
I could see an unknown country
Stories with their doors opened
Stories that won't ever close again
Stories with their doors opened
Stories that won't ever close again
Destiny is unchangeable
Let's go to an unknown country
I want to protect you
Just with that wish alone
In this pitch-black world
Until the moment when light overflows
I want to protect you
Just with that wish alone
In this pitch-black world
Until the moment when light overflows
You are my stories
Unread stories
You are my stories
Unread stories
When I gazed at your eyes
I could see an unknown country
Stories with their doors opened
Stories that won't ever close again
Stories with their doors opened
Stories that won't ever close again
Destiny is unchangeable
Let's go to an unknown country
I want to protect you
Just with that wish alone
In this pitch-black world
Until the moment when light overflows
I want to protect you
Just with that wish alone
In this pitch-black world
Until the moment when light overflows
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Partner
Ever thought of finding a partner is really serious matter? Due to my background, i had been aware of this is not just a lovey dovey matter between you and him/she, or romantic feelings towards your so called soulmate, 'without you i cant live' theory, ' you jump i jump ' theory, etc. To me, it is something which is going to bring tonne of problems into your life. D: Trying to imagine two persons from different planet are trying to live together. Moreover, God created woman and man in different ways, proportions of each hormones in male and female are different, God gave different tasks and gift to male and female.. wow! Huge chunk of problems! Not only that, people, parents are still alive, i am unsure about how a relationship can still be continued if his parents dont think that im good enough for his son. What if he is willing to fight with his parents for you, err.. do you feel fine or good when you see such thing happens on your beloved with his family? Definitly Not! How would you feel great when you see yourself is a troublemaker to your love one?! Whenever i have a slight thought of 'lets get into a relationship!' , i feel greatly depressed and fear. (well, it's a sinful thought, i m still working hard on it, trying to get rid of my selfish thought, selfish in the way that im thinking myself too weak to handle it, so i dont want to have partner, neglecting the fact that partnership also involves another person to help me to make it works ) It isnt because of i dislike guys or what, but since i feel myself cant even deal with relationships with parents peaceful enough, and God ultimately, at this current time, this is really not an appropriate time to drag myself into another problem. Another funny comment that i received from friends : '' you dont dare to find a partner, is it because you are scared of sex in the future? you find sex is dirty? '' ... to be honest, in the past yes, i was scared of giving out myself to male, but err.. really, nah, sex to me isnt a reason for me not to think about marriage. Main reason is i am afraid that i have no time to commit myself into one more new relationship -larr.. UNLESS, :( that guy doesnt mind it at all? lol. aih.
Since last year onwards, some of my friends fell in love with non - believer. and some even started dating._. sigh. dont feel offended. i just dont get it why. As you always say that you love God, and we must always put our mighty God in the first place, why you still want to date with non believer? i understand that we are wicked men and sometimes we just cant help it to control our feelings, but why do you act it out, started to date? Importantly, you are a serious person and always see your dating partner would be the one you marry with. Do you forget the fact that our body is owned by God? And our flesh is part of the body of Christ! Marriage is the union between you and your partner, and both of you are connected to each other after marriage. Marriage is the formal covenant in front of God. So when you are united to a non-believer, isnt that you are trying to connect a non-God's people with Christ's body? Although he/she is nice, kindhearted, but as she/he is a non Christian, meaning he/she is not godly, isnt it that he/she .. sorry to say that, he/she has no different with prostitute in front of God's sight? Our God hates unjustice, as he/she is not justice in His's eyes, are you trying to make God angry???? :( i feel sad whenever i heard their matters. Is this showing that you love yourself more than God already? :( i love my brothers and sisters - in - Christ... whyyyyy???
Perhaps you would say that we cant predict our future, who knows that he/she can be converted? And so i have a doubt again. Then who you are? How do you know that you can change him/her? Everything is controlled and planned by God, everything is worked by Him but not by our efforts, without His will or His Grace, nothing will work. Perhaps you have a good intention when you started to date with him/her- evangelism. But wait, partnership is not only about evangelism right? if you really want to share the gospel, wont your interest has been divided? you might focus on him/her growth besides the others.
i dont wish to see any friends of me get trapped in this matter again. aiyoo..sorry to hear that, really, and i cant congratulate you although you have found your so called 'soulmate' . Instead, i was really sad to hear about it.
Be God-centered, my brothers and sisters in Christ. We Love our God More than anything else.
Ps: if you feel that im not understanding and i might be the same as you guys if this happens on me, nah, the truth is that i ever had crush with non-christian. He is nice, smart, leader-liked, etc, sometimes i even felt that he is really suitable for me, but i never dare to put any hope on him after i knew Christ, trying hard and working hard to be God centered. And i thank God that i worked it through, but still keep working on to avoid myself from sinning, praying for strength and provision from God. phewww.. aih.. hard wei..uwah..
:) add oil Carmen. hah...
Since last year onwards, some of my friends fell in love with non - believer. and some even started dating._. sigh. dont feel offended. i just dont get it why. As you always say that you love God, and we must always put our mighty God in the first place, why you still want to date with non believer? i understand that we are wicked men and sometimes we just cant help it to control our feelings, but why do you act it out, started to date? Importantly, you are a serious person and always see your dating partner would be the one you marry with. Do you forget the fact that our body is owned by God? And our flesh is part of the body of Christ! Marriage is the union between you and your partner, and both of you are connected to each other after marriage. Marriage is the formal covenant in front of God. So when you are united to a non-believer, isnt that you are trying to connect a non-God's people with Christ's body? Although he/she is nice, kindhearted, but as she/he is a non Christian, meaning he/she is not godly, isnt it that he/she .. sorry to say that, he/she has no different with prostitute in front of God's sight? Our God hates unjustice, as he/she is not justice in His's eyes, are you trying to make God angry???? :( i feel sad whenever i heard their matters. Is this showing that you love yourself more than God already? :( i love my brothers and sisters - in - Christ... whyyyyy???
Perhaps you would say that we cant predict our future, who knows that he/she can be converted? And so i have a doubt again. Then who you are? How do you know that you can change him/her? Everything is controlled and planned by God, everything is worked by Him but not by our efforts, without His will or His Grace, nothing will work. Perhaps you have a good intention when you started to date with him/her- evangelism. But wait, partnership is not only about evangelism right? if you really want to share the gospel, wont your interest has been divided? you might focus on him/her growth besides the others.
i dont wish to see any friends of me get trapped in this matter again. aiyoo..sorry to hear that, really, and i cant congratulate you although you have found your so called 'soulmate' . Instead, i was really sad to hear about it.
Be God-centered, my brothers and sisters in Christ. We Love our God More than anything else.
Ps: if you feel that im not understanding and i might be the same as you guys if this happens on me, nah, the truth is that i ever had crush with non-christian. He is nice, smart, leader-liked, etc, sometimes i even felt that he is really suitable for me, but i never dare to put any hope on him after i knew Christ, trying hard and working hard to be God centered. And i thank God that i worked it through, but still keep working on to avoid myself from sinning, praying for strength and provision from God. phewww.. aih.. hard wei..uwah..
:) add oil Carmen. hah...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Fish and water.
Fish: you are so beautiful. i think im in love with you.
Water: you silly being, it's just a sudden affection.
Fish: really! i wont lie to you.
Water: i dont believe in love at first sight.
Day by day, the fish's feeling towards the water wasnt faded away but grew even stronger.
Fish: i like to be with you.
Water: it's due to you have get used to tag along with me.
Fish: i like your scent.
Water: it's because of you have get used to my existence.
Few days later, water wanted to leave and started its journey.
Fish: i cant leave you and want to stay with you forever.
Water: by time passes by, you will forget about me.
Fish: no! i will not fall in love with the others except you.
Water: it's because that you havent met other people besides me right now.
Fish: you are my everything.
Water: but you are not to me.
Fish: what are you longing for?
Water: the sea is my only one.
Fish: couldnt you stay here for my sake?
Water: no, i really have to go, or else i will lose my chance to meet the sea.
Fish: can i come with you?
Water: you will never ever follow up my pace.
Fish: cant you stop a while for my sake?
Water: i love to proceed with my plan without resting.
Fish: no matter what, i will swim and stay with you until you reach your destination.
Water: dont be silly, you are just a river fish.
Fish: i dont want you to be alone whenever you face obstacles.
Water: i will not appreciate your kindness.
Fish: i dont ask for it, i just want to stay with you.
Water: you know, i will love you back.
Fish: it's my own decision to love you dear.
Water: you are just getting to hurt yourself.
They reached the big river, the fish had half of its life remained.
Fish: i am unsure if i still can follow you or not.
Water: please go back home, this kind of life doenst suit you at all.
Fish: no, i will not give up.
Water: you idiot.. please be rational.
Fish: yes i am an idiot, can you accept the love from me?
Water: you should know that my heart belongs to the sea only.
Fish: why dont you try to love me?
Water: i only believe that the sea is the right one for me.
They continue their journey, fish's lifespan left for about a quarter.
Fish: how will you be if i m no longer be with you?
Water: i will be down.
Fish: what if the person is the sea?
Water: my heart will be broken, and i will die along with the sea.
Fish: why? i always stay with you, isnt it even more precious than the sea whom you havent even met it yet?
Water: living together without feeling is just some spare memories.
Fish: you believe that the sea will love you back?
Water: Sea is my only dream, my desire and i will never give up on it.
Fish kept silent and continued the remaining distance towards the sea.
Finally, both of them met the sea.
Water saw the sea but it knew that it will never be the only one for the sea.
the sea was so great and it had a lot of companies around it.
Water disliked it and it decided to leave.
At this moment, water thought of the fish, but the fish will be death soon.
Fish: i saw the sea, it's beautiful, i agree,the sea deserves you more.
Water: but i feel the sea is too mysterious.
Fish: dont worry, im sure that one day the sea will fall in love with you as well.
Water: i think i made a wrong decision.
Fish: you silly, your love to sea is so great, it isnt wrong kay?
Water: i am an idiot, why i never love you back although you never leave me always?
Fish: i think i no longer can fulfill that promise.
Water: cant you just stay again for my sake?
Fish: ... it's my decision to love you, but i never ask for you to take up this responsibility.
Water: why i was so stubborn last time and didnt love you back?!
Fish: please dont say that, i will not feel well at all to leave like this.
Water: why you always treat me so good, i....
Fish: forget about me, try to find someone better kay?
Water: no, i realised that you are the only one who deserve my love.
Fish: but i dont have time for you anymore.. sorry.
Water: i had missed all the chances that you gave me last time! i dont want to miss it again!!!
Fish: ....
Water: i think i really fall in love with you, my fish.
Fish: ah, you cant see my tear right? because im in you.
Water: no! i can feel it!! because you are in my heart.
Fish passed away with a smile, a heart was broken.
Fish:
Water:
Water: you silly being, it's just a sudden affection.
Fish: really! i wont lie to you.
Water: i dont believe in love at first sight.
Day by day, the fish's feeling towards the water wasnt faded away but grew even stronger.
Fish: i like to be with you.
Water: it's due to you have get used to tag along with me.
Fish: i like your scent.
Water: it's because of you have get used to my existence.
Few days later, water wanted to leave and started its journey.
Fish: i cant leave you and want to stay with you forever.
Water: by time passes by, you will forget about me.
Fish: no! i will not fall in love with the others except you.
Water: it's because that you havent met other people besides me right now.
Fish: you are my everything.
Water: but you are not to me.
Fish: what are you longing for?
Water: the sea is my only one.
Fish: couldnt you stay here for my sake?
Water: no, i really have to go, or else i will lose my chance to meet the sea.
Fish: can i come with you?
Water: you will never ever follow up my pace.
Fish: cant you stop a while for my sake?
Water: i love to proceed with my plan without resting.
Fish: no matter what, i will swim and stay with you until you reach your destination.
Water: dont be silly, you are just a river fish.
Fish: i dont want you to be alone whenever you face obstacles.
Water: i will not appreciate your kindness.
Fish: i dont ask for it, i just want to stay with you.
Water: you know, i will love you back.
Fish: it's my own decision to love you dear.
Water: you are just getting to hurt yourself.
They reached the big river, the fish had half of its life remained.
Fish: i am unsure if i still can follow you or not.
Water: please go back home, this kind of life doenst suit you at all.
Fish: no, i will not give up.
Water: you idiot.. please be rational.
Fish: yes i am an idiot, can you accept the love from me?
Water: you should know that my heart belongs to the sea only.
Fish: why dont you try to love me?
Water: i only believe that the sea is the right one for me.
They continue their journey, fish's lifespan left for about a quarter.
Fish: how will you be if i m no longer be with you?
Water: i will be down.
Fish: what if the person is the sea?
Water: my heart will be broken, and i will die along with the sea.
Fish: why? i always stay with you, isnt it even more precious than the sea whom you havent even met it yet?
Water: living together without feeling is just some spare memories.
Fish: you believe that the sea will love you back?
Water: Sea is my only dream, my desire and i will never give up on it.
Fish kept silent and continued the remaining distance towards the sea.
Finally, both of them met the sea.
Water saw the sea but it knew that it will never be the only one for the sea.
the sea was so great and it had a lot of companies around it.
Water disliked it and it decided to leave.
At this moment, water thought of the fish, but the fish will be death soon.
Fish: i saw the sea, it's beautiful, i agree,the sea deserves you more.
Water: but i feel the sea is too mysterious.
Fish: dont worry, im sure that one day the sea will fall in love with you as well.
Water: i think i made a wrong decision.
Fish: you silly, your love to sea is so great, it isnt wrong kay?
Water: i am an idiot, why i never love you back although you never leave me always?
Fish: i think i no longer can fulfill that promise.
Water: cant you just stay again for my sake?
Fish: ... it's my decision to love you, but i never ask for you to take up this responsibility.
Water: why i was so stubborn last time and didnt love you back?!
Fish: please dont say that, i will not feel well at all to leave like this.
Water: why you always treat me so good, i....
Fish: forget about me, try to find someone better kay?
Water: no, i realised that you are the only one who deserve my love.
Fish: but i dont have time for you anymore.. sorry.
Water: i had missed all the chances that you gave me last time! i dont want to miss it again!!!
Fish: ....
Water: i think i really fall in love with you, my fish.
Fish: ah, you cant see my tear right? because im in you.
Water: no! i can feel it!! because you are in my heart.
Fish passed away with a smile, a heart was broken.
Fish:
Water:
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
wait. patience!
what is wrong with being single?
doesnt it better just to be patient?
:)
i believe in my God will provide what i need :) thank you!
Perhaps, staying single is the best condition for the current me? Because i know that i am still too immature to handle relationship well enough :)
Relationship with God,
Relationship with parents,
Relationship with family members,
Relationship with friends,
Relationship with teachers,
Relationship with ........
Just be patient, just wait. Because God also knows that i need time to stabalise various kind of relationships that i mentioned above. heh ~ ^^ before proceeding to next stage :)
doesnt it better just to be patient?
:)
i believe in my God will provide what i need :) thank you!
Perhaps, staying single is the best condition for the current me? Because i know that i am still too immature to handle relationship well enough :)
Relationship with God,
Relationship with parents,
Relationship with family members,
Relationship with friends,
Relationship with teachers,
Relationship with ........
Just be patient, just wait. Because God also knows that i need time to stabalise various kind of relationships that i mentioned above. heh ~ ^^ before proceeding to next stage :)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Recurrence
Nah, it is not about the feeling towards the guy i love though. It's about the recurrence of a thought which i planned to carry out since i was a teenager. (i know right, my look is like a 15 year old girl, but the truth is i am turning 21 soon)
These few days were gloomy.
i was scared.
i never felt that way so strong again.
The more i grew, more thoughts that i imagined or dreamed of happened in my life right now, or becoming more and more realistic. They became something that i can achieve in the future.
Both bad and good ones.
i have been trying to throw away my previous self. But it seems like, they try to stick back to me again.
i am scared and confused with what i want right now.
i had been crying at night till morning. That's the only period that i can hide away my tears silently without my mother knows about it. i am unsure if my brother heard to my cry or not.
i..
started to lose my faith and belief towards males again.
i..
started not to believe in marriage.
i..
have a thought of being a sister or nun in the future once again.
Attachment and love are scary.
i am afraid of loving.
No one i can trust now until i started to imagine out my 'imaginary friend' to accompany me.
People believe that God is the representative of love.
But us the sinners, broke and cut the perfect relationship between us and the Holy God, until we no longer understand Him. And now, i dont understand love, like how i dont understand my God.
today was a gloomy day, and i cry.
These few days were gloomy.
i was scared.
i never felt that way so strong again.
The more i grew, more thoughts that i imagined or dreamed of happened in my life right now, or becoming more and more realistic. They became something that i can achieve in the future.
Both bad and good ones.
i have been trying to throw away my previous self. But it seems like, they try to stick back to me again.
i am scared and confused with what i want right now.
i had been crying at night till morning. That's the only period that i can hide away my tears silently without my mother knows about it. i am unsure if my brother heard to my cry or not.
i..
started to lose my faith and belief towards males again.
i..
started not to believe in marriage.
i..
have a thought of being a sister or nun in the future once again.
Attachment and love are scary.
i am afraid of loving.
No one i can trust now until i started to imagine out my 'imaginary friend' to accompany me.
People believe that God is the representative of love.
But us the sinners, broke and cut the perfect relationship between us and the Holy God, until we no longer understand Him. And now, i dont understand love, like how i dont understand my God.
today was a gloomy day, and i cry.
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